"Ok first of all, I'm not going to talk about myself in the third person. It's stupid. Everyone knows we write these things ourselves. And since when is 'Stephanie Greenquist is a cunt' not an acceptable bio submission? What do you want from me? Am I to put on a mask and describe what I see? Am I to reach down to the depths of my soul, pull off the thin lining of scum that surrounds it, and splooge it onto the page in the spirit of creativity?

(awkward pause)

How's this: Stephanie Greenquist is a magical fairy princess in the forest of lollipops, wolliwops, flop bop POW!

There, Mother. I've fixed it. Now can I go out and play?"